Toastloaf! Available in the bread aisle at your local grocery store. Get it today!

SCIENCE THE WORLD: Are you a K-12 teacher in STEM? Check out our group and join us!

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I've gotten incredibly good at forming a passive, impossibly neutral, absolute-lack-of-emotion-or-reaction face. To be fair, seeing The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo in theaters was a poor choice going in knowing who I was attending with, but it's not like at-home selections have had a much better track record.

SCIENCE THE WORLD: Are you a K-12 teacher in STEM? Check out our group and join us!

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Fine, you don't like beer. Change the opening to 'wine, wine', or 'scotch, scotch', or 'shots, shots' and boom, you've got a new toast that you and your friends can raise your glasses to. Hurray. Or something.

SCIENCE THE WORLD: Are you a K-12 teacher in STEM? Check out our group and join us!

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Fine, you don't like beer. Change the opening to 'wine, wine', or 'scotch, scotch', or 'shots, shots' and boom, you've got a new toast that you and your friends can raise your glasses to. Hurray. Or something.

SCIENCE THE WORLD: Are you a K-12 teacher in STEM? Check out our group and join us!

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Such a design would also require lightning storms to be passing through twice a day, which does hint to potential infrequency of brushing teeth, which might explain why the design caught on so well in England.

SCIENCE THE WORLD: Are you a K-12 teacher in STEM? Check out our group and join us!

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Okay, okay, this is not entirely true - babies do have kneecaps, but they're made out of cartilage and just haven't ossified yet. But once they do, those poor babies that are born addicted to gambling - such poor innocent creatures! - then those babies really are in for it.

SCIENCE THE WORLD: Are you a K-12 teacher in STEM? Check out our group and join us!

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The door is closed and she opens it and gets in, I swear. It's for the dog, I swear. It . . . it . . . it looks really, really bad.

And yes, aware of this. It's a joke until you see it. Then it just looks really, really bad.

SCIENCE THE WORLD: Are you a K-12 teacher in STEM? Check out our group and join us!

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Cats are sweet, loving, haughty, dismissive jerks. If I thought it would make a difference, I would throw up on them. See how they like it. I don't care that I am a grown man, someone's got to speak up and put these cats in their place. Which, likely, is secretly in charge of me. Alas. Friggin' cats.

SCIENCE THE WORLD: Are you a K-12 teacher in STEM? Check out our group and join us!

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Finally have a time to breathe, with the semester over, so I'm doing some hardcore nonstop reading. Do you realize how delightful reading is? No? You should take a look, then. It'll take you twice as high, or something.

Anyway, I've read five books in seven days. So heed my warning better than I am, or you'll be wearing a shirt like this before you know it.

SCIENCE THE WORLD: Are you a K-12 teacher in STEM? Check out our group and join us!

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Happy Mother's Day, Mom! Thanks for not being cannibalistic.

SCIENCE THE WORLD: Are you a K-12 teacher/educator? Check out our STEM group.

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The great unknown or the great known, whatever it may be, enjoy how you're experiencing it.

SCIENCE THE WORLD: Are you a K-12 teacher/educator who would like to use science and engineering research-inspired demonstrations, discussions, and experiments in your classroom? We want to collaborate with you! For more information, learn about our group.

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For the record, the workshop had its good moments. It also had its good food. I left with some notes, a copy of a book, and a full stomach.

SCIENCE THE WORLD: Are you a K-12 teacher/educator who would like to use science and engineering research-inspired demonstrations, discussions, and experiments in your classroom? We want to collaborate with you! For more information, learn about our group.

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Let's be completely honest with each other - if anyone really did have superpowers, the government probably has them locked away somewhere, for either their nefarious purposes or for the protection of the citizens. But if someone was just a were-sea-cucumber, well, they'd probably get to live their lives normally. Relatively normally. You know what I mean.

SCIENCE THE WORLD: Are you a K-12 teacher/educator who would like to use science and engineering research-inspired demonstrations, discussions, and experiments in your classroom? We want to collaborate with you! For more information, learn about our group.

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I've been in a "how to teach technical writing" workshop the past few days and probably the best thing I've gained from it is the term 'vomit draft'. And now I am sharing it with you. Education for all!

SCIENCE THE WORLD: Are you a K-12 teacher/educator who would like to use science and engineering research-inspired demonstrations, discussions, and experiments in your classroom? We want to collaborate with you! For more information, learn about our group.

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Hellholes for everyone!

SCIENCE THE WORLD: Are you a K-12 teacher/educator who would like to use science and engineering research-inspired demonstrations, discussions, and experiments in your classroom? We want to collaborate with you! For more information, learn about our group.

Responses have been very positive so far - glad to see so many people can get excited by science. Now, to get the students to feel the same way!

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Only sometimes, though! Most of the time, teaching is the best thing in the world.

With this, I am very excited announce a new educational research project launching today: Science The World.

If you are interested in improving science education - whether you are a K-12 educator, a professional scientist, or just someone interested in science - then my students and I are interested in working with you.

My research group is focused on education-based research, specifically for K-12 science, technology, engineering, and mathematics (STEM) fields - and will be designing series of structured demonstrations, discussions, and experiments free for teachers everywhere to use. This is more than just a localized outreach program - we intend to collaborate with teachers and educators to best help them fit curricula to their classrooms and assess how similar experiments can be developed to help all young students no matter their grade level - K-2, 3-5, 6-8, and 9-12.

I have worked in education for over a decade, designing experiments and course material in scientific and engineering fields, as well as developing and utilizing different teaching techniques to best reach young students. My students are strong engineers who are enthusiastic about helping others to learn and greatly interested in contributing their experiences.

If you are interested at all in improving STEM education, please look into Science The World and what we are aiming to do. If you are a K-12 educator in particular, let us know if you would be interested in establishing a connection with us and trying to introduce university-level research into your classroom - no matter what age group you normally work with. This is a long-term project beginning today, and we hope you will be a part of it. Invite others to take a look as well. Thanks.

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One-two-three two-two-three three-two-three four-two-there. And dip.

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I'm begging you, please, someone who owns a horse, let me be the one to name it. That's the only part of horse racing that I want any part in. I won't even require the usual dose of drugs that people take before coming up with a name - that's how good I'll be at it. Here, let me try off the top of my head . . . how about "Whirling Derbish"? BAM. Give me the reigns. Not literally, because horses are huge and frighten me just a little.

What, you thought today would be about some punnerdery about the date being May 4th? Please. Wake me up when we finally create Hanuary.

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Being a little psychopathic might help you in this life plan, I suppose.

Today's comic goes out to Allison, Sean, Cassie, Ravi, Melinda, Dan, and any other graduating college seniors - best of luck to you all. May your futures be as awesome as Batman but a hell of a lot happier.

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"That's not what a telegraph looks like!" Very good, you were paying attention.

The full story behind the snail telegraph is entirely ridiculous and I cannot possibly understand how anyone thought it would work, but you know, hey, science, or something.

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You can teach a parrot to shout, "Help, I've been turned into a parrot," but the best we can do with chicken hypnosis is basically just put it into a brief trance? Lame.

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Likelihood of having this disease increases if your last name is Butterworth.

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"Three-mids-life-crisis"? We need to settle on the terminology now before it finally starts hitting. Kind of like how no one agrees with me that this decade should be called the Onesies. You're all wrong on that issue, by the way.

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And that's why this comic was late today.

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"We threw you a surprise party. If they haven't eaten this note, that explains why your living room is full of mongoose. Mongeese? Who knows. Either way, we're at the bar, see you later. Surprise!"

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Did I say mildly scary above? That's not a strong enough sentiment. Mildly terrifying mixed with a hearty dose of pathetic is much better. You decide.

Insert some other bad joke about bald eagles here.

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Puns, specifically. Humor in general is nice and strengthening, but puns are so simplistic they seem to cut right down to nothing and provide a raw, unsuspecting boost. At least that's what every quip in a comic book has taught me, and how can they be wrong? They all wear spandex.

Today's comic goes out to my students taking their exam, and to STW reader Rebecca, who is celebrating her birthday in the hospital by herself. Hang in there, everyone.

STW LABCOATS: Labcoats are finally back in stock! Get one before they disappear again!

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You can have a lot of fun with this. Should it be "Monster and Punishment" or "Crime and Monster"? "Pride and Monster" or "Monster and Prejudice"? "Fahrenheit Monster" or "Monster 451"? "Monster Shrugged" or "Atlas Monster"? Are you allowed to change it to "198Monster"? A fun party game for all!

Further, any one-word-titled book will now simply become "Monster". Which is fun. Am I changing the title of "Lolita" or "Twilight" by doing so? Guess we'll never know!

STW LABCOATS: Labcoats are currently back in stock! So get one and fulfill any and all your science-ing needs.

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Students won't make it past the first question! They'd be trapped in a circle of doubt and self-questioning and people would be crying and there'd be angry glances and oh the humanity.

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This cat osmosis pump is a necessary invention that there is high demand for! What are we waiting for? C'mon, patent office, get off your duff.

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Black current? Coffee with tequila? There are some very questionable options available.

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Yesterday was something else. Inspiring, among other things. Hoping you and yours are okay.

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The nervous stress energy that my students generate when taking an exam could power a second-world country, let alone a third-world country. Of course, if most of them realized they already know how to do most of the material, there'd be no stressing. But then my exam stress energy collector (patent pending) would be for naught, so hey, on with the silent wailing and gnashing of teeth!

Anyway, that's why I'll be giving out confidence-boosting high-fives during the exam.

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Cannonball is 1 year old today! It feels like just yesterday she threw up after drinking too much milk and the spew went over my shoulder and all the way down my back and made me feel very uncomfortable in my shorts. It also feels like just yesterday she woke up in the middle of the night and oh right that was indeed actually yesterday. Anyway, she is an amazing kid and can already do calculus at a third-grade level and it's been a good year.

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One major flaw with the study is that all of the people were ordering or standing next to Natural Light. No, not really, but it would explain a lot if it were true.

Onwards we go.

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Happy Patriot's Day, everyone. Good luck to everyone running the marathon. I hope you all avoid suffering from jogger's nipple. Let alone dehydration.

NEW PROJECTS: Over the next few weeks, there'll be three new projects/endeavors launching that I'm really excited about: Science the World, PhD Unknown, and XXXX X XXX XXXXXXXXX. Keep your eyes peeled for this space here and get excited with me oh holy what are you doing to your eyes stop it stop it PUT IT BACK PUT IT BACK SOMEONE CALL FOR HELP

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Sounds ludicrous, and then it's too late. Imagination is a fine thing, but it does need a connection to true reality every once in a while.

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There are many stories about Satchel Paige - my favorite (and I can't find a reference to back this up now, so it may be entirely apocryphal or some fact I'm entirely messing up) was that his team was scheduled to play six games in one day, and 'when it was your day to pitch, it was your day to pitch', so Paige had six starts in one day.

A great quote by Paige: "There ain't no man can avoid being born average, but there ain't no man got to be common."

This comic goes out to anyone who loves baseball and especially to the one reader who works in the Rockies' front office. I may try to do ones with this style more regularly here.

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The plaid "W" would be weird. No, really, that's what it stands for.

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Unless the opponents are fighting each other in the movie with weapons made out of brains, like brain swords or brain bazookas or brain knuckles or even brain clubs, because then it should definitely be called a knowledge movie, right? Also I want to see this movie right now, someone with power and money and the cell phone numbers of a few good or at least decent actors please go make it.

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These are the things I think about.

Sorry for the delay in posting today's comic, grading a ridiculous number of reports this past week reduced me to a semi-sentient form of pudding.

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Frankly, it's really too bad, because I make that skin-tight orange outfit look GOOD. Indeed.

Honestly, I love the idea that the ability to function like a human being makes one superhuman. There's something just innately hilarious and true about that concept.

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This comic is about llamas, I don't know why. Enough with the llama drama. I saw a band called Llama once. Minutes after they finished is when people started throwing beer bottles at a target painted on the wall, so we left.

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Chubs is so high above me, in the eyes of theSwede. I only rank above the turtle.

Anyway, it's theSwede's birthday, and she requested a comic about the cats. I know my place. And it is below the cats. Happy birthday, theSwede.

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Iguanas Peed in this Ale.

GUEST-COMIC: I did a guest comic for SFAM, Jon Rosenberg's delightful romp through the multiverse yesterday. Enjoy!

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Imagine if enough people really were convinced about the psychoactive effects of used cat litter? Grocery stores wouldn't be able to keep it stocked on their shelves, the cost of cat litter would skyrocket, people wouldn't be able to change the litter for their cats, cats would start marking the entire house in anger, your entire house would smell like litter, and meanwhile people would be injecting cat litter into themselves. The lesson here is spay and neuter your pets, people.

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We still fall under the classification of new parents, right? At this point, I don't really care, as long as I don't also get backhanded in the eye again tonight.

WEB DESIGN HELP WANTED: I'm looking for someone who has the ability to design a good-looking website for a new webcomic I'm launching - if you're interested, please send me an email. It would be helpful if you could link to work you've done previously.

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Although, to be fair, the proposal of Nemesis's existence resulted from the attempt to explain periodic extinction from fossil readings, and a second star was suggested to possibly result in more comets being directed toward Earth and thus cause more impact events on the planet. So perhaps, if Nemesis does exist, they've clearly already chosen a side. And in the duel with Earth, their chosen weapon is comets.

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Nobody wants to be the loser who never loses because he/she never actually played a game. Get off your butt and try, why don't you.

My dad's email about baseball starting yesterday had the subject line 'Life Begins'. Felt entirely appropriate. Thank God the sports metaphor for life is back again.

Side note: I recently got a copy of Jessica Hagy's new book "How To Be Interesting" and it is easily one of the best inspirational books I've ever read. Utterly beautiful in its simplicity and its art as well. It should probably be the book that everyone graduating this year receives, but it's great for everyone else, too. I wouldn't BS you about this, it's really that good. You can see some samples here.

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What's that, you say? That's only Jurassic Park nonsense? Well, BEHOLD SCIENCE, I say to you. Oh, and please pass the dodo mustard, if you don't mind. Mmmmmm. That's good dodo.

The best part about this is that I am not pulling an April Fools' joke on you! Hurray, science!

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What I'm trying to say is Happy Easter, everybody.

AGGIECON: A week ago already I came back from AggieCon. Hard to believe it's been over for that long already! I wrote up a brief summary covering my trip if you're interested - a link to the Pope Raptor impression is included within it.

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What? Why are you offended? Aren't I supposed to patronize you artists? . . . oh, wrong 'patronize'.

And now I'm probably the umpteenth billionth person in the world to make that joke! Hurray!

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The alcohol denatures the venom so it's okay to drink and what the hell are you crazy I don't care what the science says there's no way I'm drinking anything that came out of a bottle containing a snake that's how the boas lure you into a false sense of security so they can squeeze you while you're drunk and your beer goggles although in this case wine goggles anyway let's continue your alcohol goggles make you think the boa is your ideal mate giving you a hug when it's really just killing you and I think stream-of-conscious sentences like this are underrespected in the age of the internet Faulkner would get no love these days anyway yes snakes are bad

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And that's why you should never be ashamed of being beaten by someone in a logical argument when that person is wearing a platypus for a hat. It's all about sheer confidence in your logic! And possibly some denial. With a dose of inanity. Logical inanity, of course.

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While I think I've advocated before that the audience should be allowed to throw things at the speaker who does this, I'd never seen the audience basically berate the speaker until he gave in and did this. AT LEAST NOT UNTIL TEXAS. What the heck is wrong with you, Aggies? Why must you force a poor guy, who is just trying to have a happy little panel, to say 'Howdy' with a completely lack of enthusiasm? Was it good for you? Huh? Geez.

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Don't forget your handbasket. That's how you carry hope home. That's where the saying comes from? Didn't you realize that? Clearly you're not a hope farmer.

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Maiming by bear: just a one-time by-product.

AggieCon was great! Those are some pretty amazing students who run that organization, I tip my cap to all of them. They didn't even mind that I almost killed one of their members by inducing an asthma attack and then almost inducing anaphylactic shock within thirty minutes of each other! What a good con.

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Mind you, the beating stick you use to help defend your fort is also in frequent use by you to attack your own fort. It may all depend on how well you stack the horses.

AGGIECON: Everything is going great - I am here only until 2 PM today, so if you want to swing by, do so before then! Also, I'm on a panel about science with a member of the Mars Curiosity team at 11 AM, so you can come listen to me be completely outclassed before I leave, too.

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What a drag. Sometimes literally.

AggieCon was great yesterday, let's keep it rolling today.

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Really, why can't we just have one time zone? I don't care if that could make us need to rename a movie "High 3 AM" instead of noon. I could have fallen through a hole into another universe and I would have no clue. Which I guess kind of happened, since I'm in Texas for the first time in nine years. Speaking of . . .

AGGIECON: Hey, Texas! I am in you and promise not to mess with you, because apparently I shouldn't! Come down / over / up / somehow to College Station and see me at AggieCon! I am here with hugs just for you.

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Artistically, I love how this came out. In reality, of course . . .

AGGIECON: I'm off to Texas later tonight! I hope to see you at AggieCon this weekend!

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This goes out with love and affection to the students of mine who will be shortly taking exams I wrote for them which will almost certainly cause them to despise me for a few days afterwards. In my defense, I'm not the one who freaked out and forgot second-grade math.

AGGIECON: If you will be able to make it to College Station this weekend, here are the panels that I am paneling on:

"Telling a Story With Science and Humor" on Friday, from 8-9PM
"The Demands of the Internet" on Saturday, from 6-7PM
"Why Science is Important" on Sunday, from 11AM-noon

The part-hopefully-good-stand-up, part-storytelling on Friday night is what I'm looking forward to in particular. As well as guest appearances at other events like the auction and other things, plus a table where I will have mini-books, pint glasses, prints, and hugs! Hope to see you there!

STW PRINTS: Seriously, Topatoco does such great work, and these look amazing, and you can get your own lesson written about whatever you want, it's crazy, I know!

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The pattern that never stops repeating itself!

A reminder: you can join in the STW bracket pool until Thursday at noon.

STW PRINTS: Long requested prints are now available with options for personalization!

AGGIECON: Only a few days before Texas this weekend! Will I see you there?

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Inspired by the Counting Crows song, Mrs. Potter's Lullaby. One of my top-ten-ever songs.

Hey, it's Bracket Week again! Opinions are always very divided on my doing these because of the NCAA tournament (by the way, you can throw your hat in the ring in the STW bracket pool to destroy me once again), but without Bracket Week, how else would you have gained such momentous brackets as to help you decide what to drink tonight or what to major in? Either way, just stick with me for a few days.

STW PRINTS: Many of you have long requested these, so here they are, now available for you - prints of several of your favorite STW comics! And note that you can get personalized prints - just request a lesson about a certain topic, and I will fill it out just for you! Usually these personalized prints are only available at the rare in-person STW talks I give, but now you can get one wherever you live. I hope you like them!

If there are other comics you would like to be added to the list, please let me know.

AGGIECON: Only a few days before I fly down to Texas! Will I see you there?

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Stereotyping is so much fun to take part in when it's fun and you won't remember you did so the next day.

STW PRINTS: Whoa, look at these! And they can be personalized!

AGGIECON: In less than a week, I'll be in Texas at AggieCon. I'm on a couple of panels, so you can plan your schedule around them, if you like. Hope to see you there!

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That stovetop is mightly reflective.

AGGIECON: Next weekend, I will be a guest at AggieCon in College Station, Texas! I'll be on panels and telling stories and certainly doing raptor impressions. Hope to see you there!

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Insert Game of Thrones reference here. I'm sure many of you already did, even if I didn't want you to.

Speaking of Game of Thrones, I'll be at AggieCon in just one week, battin cleanup on the guest list that also contains the great George RR Martin! I'll have prints, mini-books, pint glasses, and raptor impressions, plus will be on a few panels and will give out free hugs if you don't smell funny and free high-fives even if you do smell funny. A rare visit to Texas for me, so I hope I get to see many of you there!

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QED. Obviously.

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Certainly not the most useful or necessary of updates to established theory, but what's really holding you back from embracing it? If a pterodactyl flaps its wings, you're not going to be affected by it doing so somewhere else? Um, hello, it's a dinosaur that's still alive, of course you're affected. Get with the program here.

I would also get behind anyone supporting the alternative of a chaos archaeopteryx.

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Quinoa, for those who don't know, is the best not-actually-a-grain there is and I look forward to eating Quinoa Chex someday if my enjoyment of it didn't mean we were suddenly jacking up the price on the quinoa crop and therefore causing people in South America who have lived off the crop for centuries to suddenly be unable to afford a major part of their diet and now isn't that a down note to come around to.

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Yes, yes, there were TV shows called Dinosaurs and Birds of Prey. If all you focus on out of anything is if it fits into pop culture, well, you're probably very happy with everything that most content feeds to you.

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Carbon planets - blood diamond planets, or mechanical pencil refilling stations? Guess we'll have to wait and see.

And thus ends the webcomic-inspired lesson-titling with a tip of the cap to the king of photocomics, A Softer World. Hurray, or something.

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Trick knots! Getting you to accidentally create a mess of rope and string until you eventually get the hang of them.

This is probably the lesson title inspired by a webcomic that you'll have the hardest time recognizing - but Secret Knots is a beautiful comic that you should all keep your eye on.

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Let's be entirely honest: this graph is not entirely accurate! The curve certainly doesn't look like that closer to the vertical axis, and it probably doesn't look like that all the rest of the way along the plot, either. And while some people may disagree with others' sexual orientations, that doesn't mean they are repulsed by it or phobic about it. So, yes, this curve is probably a complete misrepresentation of society. That being said, I'd like to dedicate this comic to Cardinal Keith O'Brien. Among many others.

Webcomic-inspired lesson-titling continues! Two more to go after this.

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Sure, yeah, maybe those healthy foods are so good and tasty, and maybe those delicious foods really aren't bad for you, but come on, let's be remotely serious, there's a reason so many people are large. If it doesn't kill you, it probably doesn't taste good.

I've got four more of these webcomic-inspired lesson titles ready, then I'll switch back to grasping at straws for ideas on Monday.

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Consider this list of other hobo slang; if accurate, which it probably is not, there's some pretty great slang that we really should be using every day. Anyway, my only hobo story that I can share is that during the Great Depression, my grandmother's family used to let hobos sleep out in the barn on the family farm, and then one day the hobos burnt it down in the middle of the night and they weren't allowed to sleep there anymore.

Webcomic-inspired lesson naming continues - would have called this "Harking Vagrants" but long-time readers know that 'hark' means a VERY DIFFERENT thing on this site than most everywhere else. And frankly, I would prefer they take a shower first.

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Credit for the humor belongs to theSwede, who also believes that all 'nopes' should be made out of soy. And somewhere in the multiverse, they are!

I think I'm going to keep this webcomic-inspired lesson-titling going through Sunday, why not. As always, if you don't get the reference, check the links page.

STW SHIRT SALE: Right now, you can get 15% off any STW shirts with the coupon code "SCIENCE" through Wednesday, and you can also use the coupon code "GREENWEEK" to save $5 if you get two STW shirts! Hot diggedity armadillo!

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Technically, yes, odori-don is made with squid, not octopus, so the lesson title isn't completely accurate, but on the other hand, sannakji involves tentacles that, because they are still moving, are considered choking hazards, so I'll let the overly-broad eight-legged grouping slide.

Being motivated by the lesson titles like this is fun.

STW SHIRT SALE: From now until March 6th, the coupon code "GREENWEEK" will save you $5 if you get two STW shirts! And you can now get an extra 15% off with the coupon code "SCIENCE" through Wednesday, too! And I don't know why I made this new shirt design, either, but thanks for helping support STW, and here you go either way, enjoy or something:

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Tragically, the ride was shut down ten years ago when someone really did miss the net. You can find video on the internet of the ride in action. You not only had to wear a protective helmet; you also had to wear a protective neck brace. It doesn't look fun at all.

Webcomic-related lesson-naming continues! If you can't place the reference, just check the links page and you'll find it there.

STW SHIRT SALE: From now until March 6th, you can use the coupon code "GREENWEEK" and save $5 when you get two STW shirts! And Monday through Wednesday, March 4th-6th, you'll be able to get an extra 15% off with the coupone code "SCIENCE"! Not too shabby!

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There is no way on Earth that someone named the Bambiraptor without trying to be funny. I don't care if a 14-year-old kid found the first skeleton. Someone thought it'd be hilarious, and now there's a raptor in existence with a terrible name. And does it have a chance to defend itself, or at least to eat the person who named it? No, because it's extinct. How convenient for the namer! Like that wasn't planned out. "Let's see, I can name my kid a terrible name, so when he/she grows up, he/she will hate me for what I did to him/her, or I can name this no-longer-living creature. Hmmmmmm." Boo, I say! I half want to revoke the degrees of anyone associated with this monstrosity of justice and science.

Webcomic-related lesson-naming continues! It's giving me a reason to do research on weird things, so I am completely okay with this.

STW SHIRT SALE: From now until March 6th, you can use the coupon code "GREENWEEK" and save $5 when you get two STW shirts! And next Monday through Wednesday, March 4th-6th, you'll be able to get an extra 15% off with the coupone code "SCIENCE"! How about that!

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These inventions are all entirely real, by the way. But as there's the Arrogant Worms song that also recommends you not go into politics or science or music for the same reason, pretty much you shouldn't do anything with your life.

Definitely going to keep this webcomic-title-lesson-name thing going as long as I can. Hopefully you're reading all the great comics I'm trying to reference!

STW SHIRT SALE: From now until March 6th, you can use the coupon code "GREENWEEK" and save $5 when you get two STW shirts! And next Monday through Wednesday, March 4th-6th, you'll be able to get an extra 15% off with the coupone code "SCIENCE"! Hurray!

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Would you believe that (gasp) some people lie? I know, it's unthinkable! My goodness! And yet, they do! Oh, dear, I think I'm catching the vapors! And you probably do, too! (faint) Think for yourself about whether or not you need to think for yourself, kids.

That title was not intended originally, but now I'm going to need to see if I can make others to go with it!

GET TWO STW SHIRTS, SAVE $5: From now until March 6th, you can use the coupon code "GREENWEEK" and save $5 when you get two STW shirts! Not bad!

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Boy, I bet no one will accidentally take this as completely serious or point out some major discrepancy after missing the humor. There's no way that will almost certainly happen!

I probably could have given this lesson its own original title but the name "Afterlife, Part II" was bizarrely appealing just for the theological connotation.

TEXAS: In less than a month, I will be at AggieCon along with some random guy by the name of George R. R. Martin. Come for the thrones, stay and say hi to me? I hope to see you there!

GET TWO STW SHIRTS, SAVE $5: From now until March 6th, you can use the coupon code "GREENWEEK" and save $5 when you get two STW shirts! Not bad!

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Some day in the far off future, when Cannonball is old enough, I'll show her the pictures I took of the placenta that she dragged into the world behind her. I'm still not sure why I took pictures. No, I know why. Horrified fascination. Anyway, the point of all this is that you now have a great way to handle those Facebook reminders of friends whose birthday it is but you haven't seen them in a while and you feel weird just saying happy birthday so now you can say something else entirely and possibly they'll defriend you so you never have to wish them happy birthday again. And run-on sentences are fun.

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"Look, if you define a word to describe exactly what we're doing, it becomes less ridiculous! You think 'molecular gastronomy' was actually treated as non-insane before we gave it a mildly scientific name? Come on! Get to it!"

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Unfortunately, I don't want to see this movie, yet I've got tickets for potentially the next several years already on-hand.

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This is such a terrible joke/pun/play-on-words and yet I can't get it out of my head, so now it's in chalk form. And now hopefully it's in your head, too. Let's all poison our brain wrinkles together!

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Having previously gone on the record as saying that I would sell out humanity to our new machine overlords in return for some bionic eyes, I am grateful that we are closer to bionic eyes based on human creation than I realized. It looks like I may not have to betray my species after all. Although I shouldn't say that. We're not there yet. There's still time. But delay much longer, machines, and you'll have to throw in a bionic liver as well.

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Therefore, NSF and NIH and other research-funding government agencies, is why I should be given money to implant gills into my students. Don't you agree? If you say no, apparently you hate the people around you.

Read about the study in a recent Sunday section of the Boston Globe. I'm sure you can find it you if try hard enough.

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It's a little funny that the former justification is used by people who got science to agree with their point of view while the latter justification is used by people who are angry that science disagrees with their point of view. Oh, no, wait, that's not funny at all. See, this is why political science is a complete misnomer.

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You're really not that vain. Well, not in comparison to everyone else. We're all vain together.

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Someone was discussing the blizzard last week with me, and used the beginning of the simile/metaphor above, then said, "The question is, will we build the boat in time?" To which I understood his point, and we continued talking, but in the back of my head, a voice kept shouting, "YES YES BUILD A BOAT THEN WE CAN GO INTO SPACE AND WOOOOOO" because apparently in the back of my head is a nine-year-old who desperately wants to become an astronaut. I do not know this child. Parents, please come to the customer service desk to claim your lost child.

I seem do a lot of climate change comics. Perhaps it is because once we finally upload ourselves into computers some 28 years from now so that we can live forever, our harddrives will melt and we'll all die anyway.

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This comics is subtitled "Thoughts of a man staring at a pile of nuts, wondering about nothing in particular, owning no nutcracker".

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Off to a wedding today. And it's my parents' anniversary as well! What is it with everyone getting married in mid-February, I ask you? You can't turn your head without running into another wedding obligation! Anyway, love is in the air or something. Like a communicable disease.

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When someone says they love you for your brain, now you know what they're also saying about the rest of you. Unfortunately, the pick-up line of "My brain is the jerk, ladies, not me" doesn't provide enough background information to get you anywhere.

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Have at it, musicians and apsiring-songwriters. Do with this as you will.

And thus, a long time promise from past Valentine's Day comics has been (somewhat) fulfilled.

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It's time to elect a pope again! As a Catholic, I hereby humbly accept your party's nomination. If elected, I vow to uphold your religious beliefs exactly as you feel that I should uphold your beliefs, and promise to take the pope name of Pope Martha. Because why not?

Here's two pope comics for the mouse clickage of one today to make up for getting swamped with grading this week and not having a chance to make a comic yesterday. (Because once I use a non-major excuse to skip a day, then I'll have precedent to skip days whenever I feel I've got an excuse, and from there it's a slippery slope on down to stopping altogether. And who am I to quit? A pope? And see, it all comes full circle. No, really, I'm surprised as you I just did that. I was just rambling and stumbled into that face-first.)

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Entirely true. And I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. After all, where did the cockroaches live in our apartment when we lived in Maryland? That's right, in the dishwasher. Because it was easier to keep clean in there! Cleanliness is a virtue to these apocalpytic-surviving bugs of filth. What manners they do so have.

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"Why were our ancestors creating so many snow angels, Dad? What were they possibly thinking?"

"Well, to them, it likely meant something else. It must have, or they would never have allowed for so many - OH GOD HERE COMES ANOTHER HORDE, GET THE AXE GET THE AXE"

You're welcome, future movie writers.

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The best part about the blizzard so far has been the dog being disturbed enough by the drop in barometric pressure that he refuses to go outside before the blizzard arrives, then decides at 4:30 in the morning when the blizzard is near its peak that he really DOES need to go, so he runs outside and leaps into a snowbank up to his stomach, legs dangling in the bank.

Stay warm, everybody!

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Besides orange, there have also been reported cases of black, blue, green, and red snowfall in Russia! Apparently unicorns reside in their cloud systems and are shedding like crazy.

There is a good chance that the potentially 30 inches of snow headed my way later on today will knock out power - in which case, I'll get the new STWs posted whenever I can this weekend. Stay safe out there, friends. Even if you live down in Texas away from this storm, maybe an armadillo will bite you, you never know.

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Big Tin Foil has been at this game for a long time, ladies and gentlemen. We're all just pawns in their game, a game that they could be playing against themselves, for all we know. You could speculate but that'd only be feeding back into their power. Like I said, they're very good at this.

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And so on and so on, all the way on down. It's panic and turtles all the way down.

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There's a six-pack of good beer awaiting my parents for when I see them next. I figure I owe them at least that much. A bottle of beer for every five years, right? I think that's what I read in the unit conversion tables.

EXTRANEOUS DETAILS: Prints are a-coming!

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Today is my 30th birthday. And while I could get stressed or excited or deeply contemplative or philosophical or whatever, honestly, if things are good, it's enough just to sit back and bask in your gruntlement.

And I know, birthday and age won't matter a whole lot once we upload our consciousnesses into computer a few decades from now, but for now, hey, 30. Pretty gruntled.

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Tried blending poultry with phony but it wasn't working. And 'ficken' isn't close enough to 'fiction' to satisfy me.

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While most of the other states have elegant or close-to-elegant names given to their official groundhogs, as well as groundhogs in some Canadian provinces, Connecticut's official state groundhog is named . . . Chuckles. Chuckles VIII, to be exact. She's had six husbands. It's been mildly scandalous.

HOURLY COMICS DAY 2013: Yesterday was Hourly Comics Day, so as I've done for several years, I produced small index card versions of STW every hour. Here they are in two batches, Part #1 and Part #2. Enjoy. Or don't, whatever.

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It's amazing how much more resolute you can get when your say doesn't have the say-so on the matter. No, wait, did I say amazing? I meant craptacular. Right, right. You're being craptacular. Come on, now.

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Oh, cosmology. You don't even seem like a real word that has any basis in science, and yet you give me hope, nonetheless, that some creature out there is as exactly as gruntled as I am.

Just using the word 'gruntled' makes me feel even more gruntled. You too?

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Right here, cats, right here, I'd tell you that it's this kind of nonsense that borders on potentially diabolically evil that keeps you from surpassing dogs as man's best friend, I'd tell you that if anything could ever get you to care about anything, you unconditional indifference offerers. You don't care, you stopped even pretending to be nice and read it about 1000 comics ago. Jerks.

HAPPY VASILI ARKHIPOV'S BIRTHDAY! Go out and celebrate in honor of the unsung hero in your life.

FREE DELIVERY ON STW SHIRTS: Today is the last day to get free shipping on any STW shirt with the coupon code "FREELOVE" at checkout! And, hey, new shirt design!

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What? I'm supposed to pretend that brain-switch surgery isn't real? I find it hard to believe that so much television could have lied to me for so long.

Killing immortal beings just because you wanted a fancy dinner. Well, can't get much fancier than that!

FREE DELIVERY ON STW SHIRTS: For now through Wednesday, you can get free shipping on any STW shirt with the coupon code "FREELOVE" at checkout! And if that's not enough to pique your interest, here's a new shirt design just for you!

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Although you could also question whether or not the potato was the centerpiece in some villain's evil plot against the Irish that the villain had taken to Ireland and planted there. Get it? Potato? Planted there? No, really, do you get it, because it's a pretty bad joke, I wanted to make sure you could connect the dots to the humor.

FREE DELIVERY ON STW SHIRTS: For now through Wednesday, you can get free shipping on any STW shirt with the coupon code "FREELOVE" at checkout! And if that's not enough to pique your interest, here's a new shirt design just for you!

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This lesson would get across much more clearly if you'd seen the digital editing I did to my butt in the picture above. Woo, the curves! Just ignore that the books on the shelves behind me suddenly are all swirly in my butt area.

A better check of my photoshop skills - could you tell that I actually posed next to a blank blackboard, and the "chalk" was written in later? Recently got a Wacom tablet, and can you think of all the things I can do with it? Actually, that's not completely rhetorical, since I'm still trying to figure it out. At least it should make it easier to photoshop the goatee onto my chin in each image.

FREE SHIPPING ON STW SHIRTS: From January 28-30 this week, you can get free shipping on any STW shirts! Just use (and please note that I did not choose this) the coupon code "FREELOVE" at checkout.

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This nine-month-old is just a big baby. What a liar! Grow up, baby.

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There's a similar sensation to the smell of chalkdust. Before it burns your nasal passages.

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Your killjoy gene and your inclination-for-self-preservation gene happen to be the same. Funny how that happened.

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Finally, the missing clue in the case of who stole the cookie from the cookie jar. And all I needed was for you to tell me something about your wife. Caught red-handed, you knave.

The really bad thing about something like this would be if the person you focused in on then went home and confessed something to his/her significant other, leading to some actual major fight. On the other hand, you'd get to carry around fake business cards for your fake private investigator business, so the pros balance out the cons.

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It's true! Sure, the joy in discovery is the same today as it was way back then, but today, you have to do all the extra legwork to fit your results and findings within the context of past, current, and future knowledge. Back then, you also got to be creative, let your poetic license free, and completely make up the theory! "The sun apparently is the center of the universe. Hmmm . . . that must be the work of space snakes! Yes, space snakes!" Hurray and alas for scientific progress.

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Knowhawk: a hairless head that is distinctive for the straight ridge of brain material down the middle of the head that has burst through the skull in a lovely spiked pattern.

I could probably have kept going on the board but I ran out of space.

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Don't try to bring your fancy coffees into my coffee math. That's so derivative.

Continuing a few thoughts from yesterday! Coffee for everyone! Coffee for life!

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My math says Coffee = SQRT (Romance) and that Coffee = SQRT (Productivity), but that would mean that Romance = Productivity and that can't be right, can it? Maybe I forgot to carry a one somewhere.

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This is about the only reason I will let Cannonball specialize in biology and genetics, her personal interests be damned. If she can muck around with a little DNA and allow me to go out into my backyard and harvest my rib garden, she can study whatever she wants.

This is also one very clear occasion where the fiction is stranger than truth.

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No, seriously!

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The creator of both the tromboon and pasta phone is also the creator of P.D.Q. Bach (the far-lesser known child of Johann Sebastian Bach) and all of the compositions that he has put together under the Bach name. I think I saw a P.D.Q. Bach concert once, a long time ago, that included someone playing the bicycle. Think the Buke and Gass for the classical set, if you will.

All of this leads to the announcement that the HtH song many of you contributed to back in May/June, by recording yourselves singing/playing instruments with/chanting one lyric to whatever tune you came up with, this song will be made available for you all to hear later today. I have heard it and it is, well, very strange. I was reminded of TMBG's "Fingertips", which in itself is a very weird song. Some of you can really sing and play, though! Anyway, I'll post the link here later once it's live.

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That cats have nine lives gives me some comfort in regards to the cats I do like. It gives me some comfort that I may still yet have my chance to avenge my ancestor who was framed for murder by a cat and brought disgrace on our family. And it scares the crap out of me that I need to be ever at the ready and prepared to fend off any cat that decides to take a little time between lives and goes through the zombie phase in the meanwhile.

I'm sure you have similar feelings and concerns, don't we all.

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This comic doesn't completely capture the concept of quantum immortality - especially as it really shouldn't be mentioned without its counterpart, quantum suicide. You thought Schrodinger's cat was a nice thought experiment? Try taking the cat's point of view. Anyway, look it up.

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And that, children, is the origin of Honey Nut Guten Abends and Frosted Mini-Arrivedercis!

And, in a related note, is why in Cuba a Cuban sandwich made with ham is called a Bay of Pigs.

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"Social media expert" is just a fancy term for amateur anthropologist. They tried to go pro but didn't get picked in the draft, and semi-pro wasn't paying the bills, so you know . . .

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The study must be true, I read about it in the Journal of Science. Unless their editors are actually raisin demons out to fool us with a cleverly schemed and rather scientifically driven long con? Um, perhaps I should cancel my subscription.

Feel free to spend the day drawing raisin demons, all you artistically-inclined individuals. Rising from the soap bubbles, forces of utter malevolence and soap.

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Who says dimensional analysis isn't fun? Oh, right, everyone.

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Frankly, I feel it explains so, so much. Shame on all you deniers out there. What do they call you, um, biologists! Bah.

That Achilles had a weakness in his heel and not in his knee seems like the biggest falsehood with the entire Iliad. I mean, come on, a little realism here.

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Every detail about the attempts at the water speed record make you do a double take. 85% fatality rate? Someone made an attempt at the record in 1967, died when his boat cartwheeled across the water, and his body wasn't found until 2001? Why not just attack a motor and propellers to a shark, at this rate? That seems just as safe and would bring you just as much glory and fame, if any.

WEBCOMIC APP: One of the things readers have been requesting from me for years has been an app of some type - which, given the fact that I work, was never going to be something I'd have the time to put together, and which, given the fact that I did a terrible job designing the original site design, was never going to be something I could do. But there's a really nice webcomic app that should be available soon - one that is finally being put together with the support of other webcomickers and in support of them, as opposed to some random jerk just taking advantage of other's intellectual content. Comic Chameleon is being put together by Bernie Hou, who ran one of the original photocomics and made it possible for others like mine, and it looks awesome. And, either shortly before or shortly after it goes live, STW will be added to their roster! And, it's free! So if you've been wanting a STW app for a long, long time, here you go. Thanks for your, um, patience.

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Now, if you proposed reverse osmosis for your brain, now you'd be on your way! To failing the exam, because it still wouldn't work, be realistic.

This is the type of comic it feels like STW should be about - some blending of actual information while attempting to blend humor in. Feels like I got away from that style more recently. 2013: Back To The Roots, or something.

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Here's to people who won't be held down by the facts! Disclaimer: calculator will likely not work again and your need to get a new one should tell you something, even if it won't.

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People should really just be ordering their coffees by percentages now. "Thirty percent coffee, ten percent skim milk, forty percent chocolate, and that's one hundred percent, right? Oh, it's not? Are you sure?" That's not coffee. Coffee should be black like your evil twin's soul.

Got the 'chalkboard coffee mug' above for the holidays. Kind of different. Not a whole lot of room to teach thermo on there, though, and everyone in the class would need a telescope.

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Get it? No? I'm not sure people will get it.

I've been thinking lately that the only difference between society killing someone and then worshipping that person, and society killing someone, is whether that person displayed superpowers before being killed. I honestly cannot imagine it would go well for Superman if he actually ever arrived on Earth.

And the only reason I didn't make that last thought into a comic all of its own is that I figured ardent religious individuals would feel I was insulting them, when I was really just considering the nature of human nature.

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